So it's been quite a while since my last post, and I'm pretty sure no one checks this site anymore (if anyone ever did), so this is probably me talking to myself but hopefully it will be good.
Unfortunately, my father passed away August 4, 2010 after a 1.5 year battle with esophageal cancer. His death was bittersweet. I am glad that he is no longer suffering as he had been the last few months of his life. I would do anything to take away the pain he experienced in that short amount of time and I am so grateful that it was only a few months at its worst.
On the other hand, I lost my daddy. My hero, friend, role model, my everything is no longer here. I am not sure what I believe religiously and I kind of go back and forth in terms of whether or not I think he is watching over me and listening to me when I talk to him. I certainly hope with all my heart that he is somewhere, free of pain and at peace. I hope that some day we will see each other again, and I wish I could truly believe that was the case.
My sister's blog (http://bailey-ann.blogspot.com/)is so eloquent in describing her feelings and emotions throughout this whole process. I am not as good as putting my thoughts into words, it usually turns out as more of a rambling collection of randmomness.... but I am hoping that it will help me through this grieving process....and I'm going to try and write about happy things too.
I think subconsciously I've been suppressing all my memories and sadness about my dad. About two weeks after he died, I moved to a brand new city and started my first big girl job and it was easy to get caught up in life. Every time I would start thinking about dad, my brain would just store it away. The bad thing about this is that eventually, my brain has too much and all of the sadness and memories come back in one gigantic flood....those nights are not fun.
The thing is, I don't want to forget about him, not even about his sickness because we grew from that as a family. My dad was more amazing than I could ever possibly describe... I have heard from so many people in the days since his death about what a wonderful man he was. He touched people in so many ways and I have a feeling we haven't even heard half of the stories of how he has impacted other people's lives.
Anyway.... I decided to start writing about things I miss most about my dad. I know I will never ever forget him, but I am hoping that writing about him will help me and maybe others feel more at ease...so here it goes.
What I miss about Dad # 1: His sneaky smile.
Dad had a few different smiles, but my favorite of all was definitely his sneaky smile. You could walk into a room and just take one look at his face, and you would immediately know that he had done something or was planning on doing something that:
- satisfied his corny sense of humor
- was probably some kind of trick or joke against someone in the room (not a mean one)
- something he was proud of thinking up and he won't let you forget for a long time
I've been told that I make the same face sometimes when I first enter a room and that makes me so happy. My favorite memories of dad are times after I've seen the sneaky smile. For example: dad always had a really flat butt.... like almost concave. My mom and dad and I were sitting in the dining room and talking and dad got the "smile"....he got up without saying a word, went to his closet for a few minutes and came back with the biggest sneaky smile I have ever seen.... he then walked into the room, turned around and displayed his handiwork... he had stuffed his jeans with about 4 pillows.
I honestly don't know why this memory stands out...but it was just an example. I miss dad's sense of humor so much...especially since I have the exact same humor, and miss talking to him and laughing at eachother. If you know me or my dad, you know that it is going to be hard to find someone else with our strange humor.
I can't really find a good picture as an example at the moment, but this one is kind of a sneaky smile.....
Anyway, that's about it for tonight. Hopefully I will be back soon!
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