WWDD

Tonight is especially hard... I am not sure why. Maybe it's a Wednesday thing. Just so you know, a girl really does not grow out of needing her daddy...at least this girl hasn't. You always hear that the grief gets easier with time....that does not feel true tonight. There are moments when I forget he is gone, and then remember, and I feel my heart break all over again. There are so many things I want to ask him and share with him. Most of all, I miss sitting and talking about absolutely nothing.

This whole thing still feels so surreal. How can this have actually happened to me, to my family? How can the man that I took all my problems to, admired more than anything, loved immensely and inspired to be been taken away from me? So often, I have found myself wanting to ask dad's advice or tell him a funny story only he would understand. Dad used to send my sister and I a quote of the day, I miss those so much. I used to take emails from him for granted, and just kind of saw them as junk mail. Now I go back through all my old voicemails and emails from him over and over again. I miss that voice and the heart behind that voice so much.

One of my favorite ways of remembering dad is to listen to music that he liked. Lately, I've been listening to a lot of Townes Van Zandt. It brings back so many memories of sitting with him just listening to music and talking about life. This probably makes it harder on me than it needs to be, and it probably makes me cry more than I need to, but it makes me feel like I'm close to him. My dad was so beautifully simple. He found happiness in the smallest things, and I hope I've learned that skill from him.

I know that I'm not alone in missing dad. More than just my immediate family, my dad had a family of friends and co-workers who really loved him. I'm so grateful for my dad's surrogate family that loved and took care of my dad when he was not with my me, my mom or sister. I'm also grateful that I have these people to heal what I am feeling.

I know this is a really depressing blog. I promise I am happy most of the time.... I just never feel liek writing then, instead I'm enjoying my life. But it seems like o nce or twice a week, it starts to hurt again. I feel so lonely and helpless when this happens, and the one person who I want to talk to is my dad. He always calmed me down and made me think of things rationally. There is nothing like the feeling of your dad coming to the rescue, knowing he could fix anything and knew the answer to everything. On nights like these, I try to imagine what he would tell me, how he would make this better.... it's kind of turning into a WWDD, or what would dad do. His father passed away when he was in his 20s, and he rarely discussed it. He told my sister and I that "it only hurts down to a certain point, and no more". I keep telling myself that, because that's probably what he would tell me...but it's not too helpful at this point. I know what he would want is for me to live my life, be excited about work, about my new life in Temple and about all the new and exciting things happening in my life. Most of the time, that's how I live my life....but I can't help but wish I could still share it with him.

So, in honor of dad, I'm going to wake up tomorrow with a good attitude, work hard and love hard. I'm going to appreciate everyone in my life and let them know they're loved. Most of all, I'm not going to take anyone or any time for granted. This is how he lived his life every day, even during the worst of his illness. He taught me how to live, and know one knows how to do that better than he did.... so that is what I will do for him.

I'm ending my note with a smile on my face.... still some tears, but mostly a smile. And I am leaving my readers (if there are any) with a Townes song that dad liked.... enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjJePtPVquM&feature=related